So now that senior citizens represent the fastest growing portion of the American population, how can we stay connected with the multiplying mobs of blue-haired toothlesses? To this I answer, gaze into their eyes and ask about their most recent medical problem. Nay, you most likely won’t have time to. Myrtle or Elvin will bring it up first. If you want to talk to them you have no choice. Disregard the discomfort the various ailments may cause you. Take heed the following appropriate reactions:
-If he/she has Frankenstein-like stitches from recently removed melanomas, tell them you once saw a man with his forehead stapled back on. It was much worse.
-If he/she tells you they are in so much pain that they can’t remember the day before yesterday and would like to euthanize themselves in Mexico, tell them to do it in Oregon. Buy American.
-If he/she brings up the lasting effects of their former/current heroin addiction, laugh at them. Really, they want it.
-Lastly, if he/she winks at you and promises to get their hair done after their long-awaited eye surgery (even when the obvious forwardness is upsetting the husband), graciously accept the personalized pumpkin loaf they baked for you.
The more disgusting the medical condition, the more they like you. Soak it in, stitch it up, savor every moment. You are now friends with the tattered remains of Rosie the Riveter. Only now she looks less like a lesbian and more like Della Reese.
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